Falling In Limbo
by TinkerBella7
Summary: Some Angst for Deeks when he finds himself relieving his torture, but Kensi is there to help him.


He knew he was better. Finally he was able to sleep. No more than three to four hours a night, but it was a start. At least now his head felt clearer and he had some modicum of control over his thoughts and emotions. And everyday he pushed his boundaries and found ways to be stronger and faster and more in control again.

Kensi had a lot to do with his turn around. He had been pushing her out of his life, trying to go it alone, but she had pushed back in and her simple presence had made him feel safe. Deeks finally felt as if he were becoming whole again. His fear had then been being able to convince the others that he was back in the game.

Sam had actually been an easy sell, supporting him from the moment he'd stepped foot back into OPS. Callen had been another story, actually getting in Deeks' face and telling him he didn't want him back. At least not until he was ready. Up until that moment, after all the doubts he'd had throughout the course of that first day, Deeks had nearly convinced himself not to come back tomorrow. But, instead, he had found himself insisting that he wanted to be back and he was ready to be back. And Callen had accepted that, finally welcoming him back into the fold. But Deeks knew the team leader was still keeping an eye on him. They all were.

Surprisingly, Deeks realized he was okay with that. Knowing they were watching him became a positive. It allowed him to put his focus where it needed to be. In the moment. Instead of driving himself crazy wondering if he was going to mess up and put the team in danger in some way, Deeks focused on keeping them safe. Watching their backs. Like always, they returned the favor, tenfold.

Two months back now and Deeks had made it through every day feeling like he had accomplished his goal. He needed this. Needed to get back into the job. He'd needed to immerse himself in his work. Get back to taking down the bad guys. To remember why he had become a cop. To forget what Siderov had done. To move past it. Only today, it was staring him back in the face.

Deeks could face his own fears and overcome anything the bad guys threw at him, he was sure of it. What had worried him was the thought of failing his partner. So from the moment Deeks had come back to work, he had to become hypervigilant and focused. Always aware of his surroundings. Always in control. Always watching Kensi.

To that end, since he wasn't sleeping as much as he used too, Deeks found himself running ten miles a day. And, when the waves allowed, he was out in the water being one with his board. Later in the day he would hit the gym for weight lifting or boxing or cardio of some kind. He had even gathered up the courage to ask Sam to train him in hand to hand, Navy Seal style. The first few times had been painful, but now Deeks looked forward to the challenge. To whatever Sam threw at him and more.

But today was a slap in the face. Today, he wasn't prepared enough. Today, he'd been caught off guard. Or, rather, Kensi had been caught off guard. But she was safe and that was what Deeks focused on. Kensi was safe because he'd seen the bad guys sneaking up on her and had given her the distraction she'd needed to get out and be safe. Only that meant revealing his own location and Deeks had put up one hell of a fight, but four against one in close quarters proved a bit daunting, especially when one of the bad guys cheated, clocking him in the back of the head.

And here he was now, being strapped to a chair, his stomach in knots more because of the memory of Siderov's men doing that exact same thing to him, than because of the probable concussion that was making his head ache. Deeks felt himself falling into memory. Seeing not the ugly dude kneeling before him, but Siderov taunting him with that metal contraption from hell.

Fingers gripped Deeks' hair, yanking his head back, his body reacting instantly, fighting against them, yanking on the bonds on his wrists, cutting into his skin until blood welled up wet and warm and he didn't care. He couldn't do this again. But suddenly warmth breath whispered against his ear and Deeks froze.

"Who are you?" asked the ugly dude, now bent down behind him.

"Nobody." Deeks countered, desperately trying to pull himself together. He was good at thinking on his feet. Good at going with the flow. He could distract this asshole until the others rescued him. He could do this.

Ugly dude chuckled, the sound echoing in Deeks' eardrum. "Are you a cop?"

Deeks grimaced, trying to move his head away but the fingers in his hair held firm. "Did you find a badge?" he countered, being as flippant as he could. They had done a, more than thorough, pat down of him before dumping him in the chair. But the moment Deeks had seen Kensi in trouble, he had stashed his badge and wallet elsewhere.

"What are you then?" Ugly dude was nothing if not persistent.

"Lawyer." It was always better to stick as close to the truth as possible, especially when it was getting hard to focus. Thanks to his aching head, Deeks was starting to get fuzzy on details, so falling back on Dale John Sully was the way to go.

Moving to stand in front of Deeks, Ugly dude gripped him by the chin, studying his face. "A lawyer with a gun?"

Deeks really hoped Ugly dude didn't lose his gun on him. Hetty would kill him if he lost another one. "This is a very scary neighborhood," he shot back, hoping against hope that Kensi and Sam and Callen were moving in fast for a take down. He was starting to feel sluggish and that was never a good sign.

"What's your name?" Ugly dude smacked Deeks on the cheek was he didn't reply. "Don't make me ask you again." Fingers were back in Deeks' hair, pulling hard enough to bring tears to his eyes.

"Can't remember," Deeks winced as his head was yanked back and Ugly dudes face suddenly hovered over him. Before he could formulate a smart remark, Deeks felt a fist bury itself in his gut. It sucked not being able to hunch over in response, so he was left gasping as his abdomen muscles clenched in agony. The fingers in his hair finally released and Deeks was finally able to breathe again. Once he could talk without coughing, he glared at Ugly Dude. "That the best you got?" he taunted.

Ugly dude laughed, looking sincerely amused. "I like you, Blondie," he stated.

Deeks grimaced. "Can't say I feel the same about you," he drawled. "Unless you want to make a grand gesture of friendship by letting me walk out of here right now."

"You really a lawyer, Blondie?" Ugly dude asked.

"You really a bad guy?" Deeks shot back, wincing as he realized what a lousy comeback that was. Man, he really needed to focus. But reality seemed to be slipping slowly away.

Thankfully, before Ugly Dude could respond, the A-team arrived.

Deeks was never so happy as he was in that moment to see his partner, flanked by Callen and Sam. In the blink of the eye the shooting started, bullets flying and bodies hitting the ground and Deeks felt dizzy trying to keep track. Until, once again, fingers curled in his hair, yanking his head back.

"I'll kill him!" Ugly dude shouted, using Deeks as a shield.

"Then you'll die right after," Kensi snarled back, eyes cold and focused on Ugly dude like a laser.

Deeks was about to tell Kensi how hot she looked being all bad-ass, which was probably not a smart thing to do, but his head hurt so he kinda didn't care. But there was a loud bang to his left, making both him and Ugly dude jump, then a gunshot and the fingers gripping his hair released and Deeks looked over his shoulder to see Ugly dude lying in a heap with a bullet hole smack between his eyes. Deeks felt like cheering.

But suddenly Kensi was there, kneeling before him, and it was all too familiar, making his chest constrict as she rushed to release his wrists.

"I'm fine," Deeks whispered, before she could ask. Mainly because he wasn't, but he had to be, so he said it to convince himself as much as Kensi and she was smiling at him like she believed it, so maybe she did. Which meant maybe he could believe it too.

"Are you hurt?" Kensi asked, looking worried as she stared at his wrists.

Deeks realized he was bleeding and he didn't really remember why. Not that it mattered. He was free and life was good. "I'm okay," he told her, as he pushed out of the chair, only for his knees to buckle and suddenly he was falling.

Then Sam was there, catching him, easing him back down into the chair. "Easy, Deeks. Take a minute."

"I'm good," Deeks mumbled, not looking anyone in the eye. He couldn't let them catch him in a lie. But big hands cradled his face, ,making him look up into Sam's worried face.

"Looking a little cross-eyed there, Deeks," Sam said softly. "Might have a concussion."

Shrugging, Deeks pulled back and made a much more successful attempt at standing. "I have a hard head."

Kensi snorted. "Man, that one is so easy I'm gonna let it slide."

"I knew you loved me, Kens," Deeks drawled, feeling grateful. Because, yeah, he had walked right into that one. But when he smiled at her, she didn't smile back. She looked surprised. What the hell? Frantically, Deeks played back the conversation. Oh. "Ya know what I mean."

"I know." She patted him on the shoulder before taking his arm and leading him towards the exit.

Deeks was proud that he didn't stumble, not once. Although he felt a bit nauseous as he slid into the passenger seat of her car, and he could feel panic creeping over him again. But he breathed through it, slowly, counting each breath in and out until his lungs felt less constricted. He knew he was okay. Siderov was dead. He hadn't been tortured today. He and his partner were alive. Callen and Sam were a live. The mission was a done deal. It was all good.

Kensi slid into the driver's seat. "You good, partner?" she asked, eyeing him with concern.

"I'm good." Deeks was pleased that he sounded much more confidant this time.

"Here's your gun," Sam said, handing it through the window.

Deeks was thrilled. "You found it!" Now he didn't have to worry about Hetty yelling at him.

Sam nodded. "And your badge and wallet. Smart, hiding them." He handed them over as well. "G and I will meet you at the hospital."

"What hospital? Why?" Deeks felt panic hit him like a slap in the face. "Did someone get hurt? I thought everyone was okay?" He was rambling and he didn't care. Everyone was supposed to be okay.

"You got hurt, Deeks." Kensi spoke softly, reaching out to pat him on the shoulder.

He shook his head, which wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done, because it made his head hurt. Which made him nauseous. So Deeks swallowed hard, choking down the lump of pure fear, then whispered, "I'm okay, partner. Really."

She smiled, hand moving from his shoulder to his slide down and grip his hand. "I just want you to get checked out, Deeks. It'll make me feel better. Okay?" And she was pleading with him. Something Kensi didn't do. Only she was.

"Kens..." Deeks really did not want to go. The last trip to the hospital was mostly fuzzy, but the parts he remembered were like a bitter pill that he couldn't swallow. But he made the mistake of looking into her eyes, and they were dark and clouded with worry and he hated being the one to make her look scared. Kensi wasn't supposed to worry about him. So Deeks found himself giving in. "They're just going to tell me I have a hard head," he drawled, trying to get her to laugh.

"It can't be said enough," Kensi countered, an almost-smile curving her lips.

Which Deeks considered *mission accomplished*. "Quick trip, okay? In and out."

Kensi started the engine. "Seatbelt," she ordered, very obviously not replying to his request.

They made the trip in relative silence. Almost half way there, Kensi surprised Deeks by letting him pick the radio station.

"I'm not dying, am I?" he asked, meaning to tease her, only Kensi turned pale and it was Deeks' turn to be worried. "Hey, you okay? I was just kidding."

"I know." Kensi flapped a hand at him, as if trying to wave away his concern. "It's just...you asked me that when you got shot. Not a good memory."

Deeks grimaced. "Yeah. Gotta agree with you there. " Thinking about it brought about too many reminders of too many things. He'd been the weak link then and it had gotten him shot. And Siderov considered him the *weak one* as well, and that had gotten him tortured. Which brought him back to now and how close he had come to dying, yet again.

Staring down at his hands, Deeks frowned at the blood staining his wrists, feeling them ache now, when they hadn't really bothered him before. When Siderov had strapped him down, Deeks had been wearing a jacket, so there had been some bruising from his struggles, but no cuts. Now he was wearing a stupid t-shirt and he had struggled so hard the ties had cut deep. Touching one wrist, Deeks stared at the blood stains on his fingertips.

"We're almost there," Kensi announced, sounding a bit panicked.

"Yeah." Deeks felt strangely detached as they pulled up to the ER. He made her park because he was damn well going to walk in under his own steam this time. It's wasn't like he was really hurt. He was just doing this to make Kensi feel better.

Kensi still looked like she was panicking though, as she hovered beside him. Callen and Sam were waiting just inside the double doors, wearing twin expressions of concern. Which was starting to irritate Deeks a bit. He got hit in the head and slugged in the gut. A mild day at the office, really. Why was everyone making such a big deal out of it?

Sam moved to Deeks' other side, one big hand reaching out to grip him by the elbow. "Doc is waiting for you. We called ahead."

"Handy," Deeks muttered, wanting nothing more than to turn around and run. He could feel his chest constricting again. Feel his heartbeat stutter before his pulse started racing. This was such a bad idea. Really bad. Like the super duper baddest idea of all time bad.

"Deeks! Look at me, Deeks!" Kensi's voice sounded muffled as she called his name.

He wanted to look at her, but he felt frozen. He wanted to tell her he was fine, but couldn't get his mouth to work. Which was weird, because talking was something he excelled at. Talking had saved his ass more than once while undercover. Hell, his babbling had worked wonders in his everyday life as well. But now he felt paralyzed, his body throbbing with pain as his muscled clenched tight, locking him into place. All his focus was pinpointed on trying to draw air into his lungs. If he didn't start breathing, he was going to pass out.

And right on cue he felt his vision hazing to gray, slowly blotting out awareness. He fought against it, feeling his body shake with the intensity of his struggle. But in the end, the sound of Kensi's terrified voice echoed in his head as he felt himself freefall into black.

Deeks let himself lie still, eyes slitted open as he took in his surroundings. Yep, he was in a hospital room. A glance to his left and there was Kensi, slouched in a chair, eyes closed. Shifting carefully, so as not to wake her, Deeks took stock of his condition. He wasn't happy to see an IV port taped to the back of his left hand. And the bandages on his wrist made him uncomfortable.

"How do you feel?"

"What?" Deeks jumped, eyes flying to Kensi's worried face. And damn her for being so sneaky. He never saw or heard her move from the chair.

She smiled at him, but it was a bit wobbly. "You scared me, Deeks."

He shrugged. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I'm okay."

"I know." She tapped the side rail with one hand, looking distinctly uncomfortable. "Just so you know, you do have a concussion, and the IV is for fluids and a dose of antibiotics. You've been in and out of it for six hours."

"What?" He just about launched himself out of bed at that revelation. "Six hours? Are you kidding me?"

Kensi's hands were on his shoulders, pushing him back against the pillows. "Relax, Deeks. Okay? The doctor said you were exhausted and needed the rest." When he stopped struggling against her, she pulled back and looked at him, eyes boring into his soul. "So...I take it you're still not sleeping that well?"

Deeks did not want to have this conversation. Ever. "I sleep," he mumbled, hoping she would just let it go.

"Sure." Kensi was being way too agreeable, so he knew he'd hear about it later. He could deal with later. "I saved you a jello cup." Her abrupt change of topic was surprising, but welcome.

"I'll take it on the road with me." Deeks was thrilled to see a real smile on Kensi's face as she pointed to the green jello cup on the rolling tray. He started peeling at the tape on the back of his hand, only to flinch when Kensi smacked his hand away.

She smoothed the tape back down. "The doctor wants to keep you overnight. Your heart was racing and your blood pressure spiked. If you remain stable I can pick you up in the morning."

Deeks shook his head, tracing the back of one of the white bandages that circled both wrists. "Yeah...no...I'm not staying."

"I really wish you would," Kensi whispered, her eyes locked on his face.

"I don't need to stay." Deeks hoped she could hear his plea, without having to actually beg. He would have another melt down if he had to stay here.

Kensi nodded, her eyes dropping to his bandaged wrists, even as a fingertip brushed gently over one. "I kinda figured you'd say that. So I asked the doctor if it would be okay to release you if you had someone with you. My go bag is in the car."

Deeks knew that was her way of telling him she had volunteered, and he would be forever grateful to her for that. "Thanks. Can we go now?"

"Sam grabbed your bag, it's in the bathroom." Kensi pointed over her shoulder. "I'll get the nurse to take out your IV. While you get dressed I'll find the doctor and have him sign off on your release papers."

"Sounds like a plan." Deeks grabbed Kensi's hand and squeezed. "I owe you dinner for this one. I'm know I'm a pain in the ass."

Kensi chuckled, squeezing back. "Very true. But you're my pain in the ass, partner." With that she was gone, leaving Deeks smiling and feeling like he could breathe again.

Two hours later, Deeks was happy to be home. The nurse couldn't take out his IV until the doctor checked him over again. Then Deeks had spent ten minutes convincing the guy he really was okay to leave. After which the nurse had given Kensi and Deeks a lecture on the what to do, and not do, in regards to his concussion. She hadn't been impressed when Deeks had assured her it was his third concussion so he knew exactly what to do. And not do. Kensi, on the other hand, had pestered Deeks all the way home to tell her about the other two concussions. He didn't cave.

But before leaving the hospital, there had been paperwork to fill out. Then Deeks had finally been allowed to get dressed. He hadn't been thrilled at having to sit in a wheel chair to get discharged, but Kensi had enjoyed pushing him fast and riding on the back down the corridor. Until they had both gotten yelled at by one of the nurses.

"You should lie down and rest," Kensi said, the moment Deeks unlocked the door.

"I've been resting," Deeks protested, tossing his bag onto the nearest chair before heading for the fridge. "Want a beer?"

Kensi nodded. "So what do you want to eat? Pizza or Thai?"

Deeks considered. To be honest, he wasn't at all hungry, so he didn't have a preference. "You pick," he offered.

"Pizza it is." Kensi pulled out her phone and was connected in one tap. She ordered a large with a side of cheesy garlic bread. "It'll be here in half an hour," she announced, looking pleased with herself.

"Good." Gesturing around the livingroom, Deeks stated, "Make yourself at home, Kens. I'm gonna jump in the shower." He wasn't going to admit to being tired, but he actually felt like crawling into bed and sleeping for two days.

Kensi nodded as she plopped down on the couch. "Dress comfortable, in case you doze off during our movie fest. Oh, I almost forgot. Hetty gave us both tomorrow off."

Not that he was going to admit it, but Deeks was glad. He wasn't sure he'd be up to facing everyone just yet. And he knew, from past concussions, that his head would still be aching tomorrow. "Great," he enthused. "I'll be right back." He escaped into his bedroom and took a quick shower before pulling on sweats and a tee shirt. Like Kensi had suggested, he might as well be comfortable.

"We're watching Sherlock Holmes," Kensi announced, as Deeks joined her on the couch.

"Good choice." He liked Robert Downey Jr. More as Tony Stark, but the dude was cool either way.

Kensi smirked. "Of course it's a good choice. I picked it."

Teasing felt good. Being teased by Kensi felt better. It felt normal. Normal enough that when the pizza arrived, Deeks almost finished two pieces. He knew Kensi wanted to comment on it, but he was glad when she didn't. He hadn't gained back the weight he had lost, but he was trying. That had to count for something.

"I have ointment for your wrists." The comment came out of no where, right in the middle of one of Sherlock's brilliant monologues, and Kensi was launching herself off the couch and over to her jacket, fumbling a white tube out of one pocket. "Remember the nurse said you needed to use it to ward off infection."

"Right." Deeks stared at the red marks that circled his wrists, remembering how hard he had pulled at the restraints. Remembering another time, a dark time, until a hand on his arm pulled him back into the present. Rising from the couch, Deeks headed for the fridge. He was shaking and he didn't want Kensi to see it.

But Kensi, being Kensi, she had followed him.

Deeks could feel her watching him. She just stood there, watching him stare at the contents of his fridge. After a long, and awkward, moment of silence, Deeks closed the door. His shaking had eased into trembling and he felt more in control again. "I'm gonna be okay, Kens." It was neither a question or a statement. Although Deeks was pretty sure he wanted her to reassure him. To confirm it to be true, because he was finding it hard to keep on faking it.

"I know." She moved into his space, arms lifting to circle his neck, and then she hugged him to her, holding on tight.

"Yeah." Deeks wrapped his arms around her waist, clinging hard, letting Kensi ground him. He didn't know how long they stood there, but suddenly he felt her shaking and he pulled back, shocked to see that she was crying. "Kens?" Deeks didn't know what to do. What to say. How to make whatever was wrong okay.

She huffed a sigh, releasing him from the hug to swipe at her face. "I've been so worried about you." It sounded like a confession.

Which surprised Deeks enough to make him ask what he wanted to know. "Why would you worry about me?"

"Because you're my partner...and my friend." Kensi grabbed a paper towel and patted at her eyes before facing him again. She looked uncertain, yet determined as she locked eyes with Deeks. "And because I see all the signs in you."

"Signs?" Deeks shook his head, feeling like he had dozed off or something and missed an important part of this conversation.

But Kensi didn't miss a beat. "PTSD. I know all the signs, Deeks. I can see you going through them. Denying them. Trying to joke your way through a bad day, or distract me when something reminds you of that moment. When you're scared, or you freeze or...whatever a particular day may bring. You're good at it, I'll give you that. But I see it, because I'm looking for it. You can't fool me, partner."

He stared at her, gobsmacked at her commentary because she had no right to say those things. To be so damn...right. To call him on his bullshit. To know him so well that it scared the hell out of him. More than that, it freaked him out to see Kensi looking so damn scared. And he understood that she was scared for him, but it was more than that. He knew she was scared for herself. Terrified that he would do what Jack had done. That he would leave her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Kens." Deeks hadn't meant to say that, but the words were out and he didn't want to take them back. He wanted her to know the truth. He would never leave her. Not even if she wanted him too. How could he leave the only person that made him feel almost whole? Something he never thought he'd ever come close to being. Until Kensi.

"Easy to say." She smiled and lifted a hand to smooth a curl off his forehead. "Harder to do, Deeks. Jack promised me the same thing."

He nodded. "I'm not Jack."

Kensi closed her eyes, turning away. But when Deeks reached out and snagged her arm, pulling her back, she didn't resist. "I want to help you get through this. I think I can help you. But you'll have to trust me."

"I do trust you." Deeks didn't hesitate to assure her of that. They had started out at odds with each other and it had been a rocky road they'd travelled to get to where they are today. But Deeks had enjoyed the journey, including every bump in the road. Bumps that had sometimes felt like unsurmountable mountains.

"I won't go easy on you," Kensi warned him.

Deeks had to laugh at that. "When have you ever? I'd think something was wrong with you. Or, worse, with me, if you started being nice."

Kensi punched him in the arm then snorted. "Point taken." Then she sobered, immediately. "There are going to be more bad days than good for a while."

"Been there, doing that," Deeks allowed. And it felt a little scary, doing so. But he really did trust Kensi. He knew she would always have his back.

"Promise me you'll never give up?" Kensi locked eyes with Deeks, putting the ball in his court.

How could he let her down? He couldn't. "I promise, Fern." Deeks laughed and ducked when she threw a punch, heading back for the couch and purposefully stretching out over most of it so that she had to shove him over to sit down.

Kensi grabbed the remote, starting the movie over again. She didn't say a word when Deeks tossed a pillow in her lap then laid his head down.

"You're being nice," he warned her.

"I'm faking it," Kensi shot back, even as the fingers of one hand combed through his messy locks.

It soothed Deeks into closing his eyes. Her touch eased the ache in his head and it wasn't long before he felt himself drifting off to sleep. Sure in the fact that he wouldn't be alone again. Knowing that if he fell, Kensi would catch him.

**THE END**


End file.
